RULES FOR THE OFFICE

I've worked in lots of different offices - from large mega-corporate firms where the rules are strict and the cubicles are unflinching, to super small offices where everyone knows what I'm having for dinner. I've worked at temp jobs where the "office" was a big tent in a parking lot. I've worked out of my car. Over all of this I've come up with a few rules - some make the office run more smoothly, some make your co-workers like you more, and some are just things that would help to not piss me off.

1. If you happen upon the last donut and someone has already cut it in half, just eat the last half, don't leave a quarter of a plain donut behind, nobody REALLY wants it anyway. BESIDES, earlier you weren't concerned with sharing when you snatched up the only jelly-filled with sprinkles in the box.



2. Hey Bon Jovi, if you want to be some rock star, go on American idol or something, don't have band practice here in the office - that finger tapping and muffled singing may sound good to you, but it's pissing everyone else off.



3. If you have to carefully place your garbage in the trash can because it's too full, then it's time to empty it. STOP BEING LAZY.



4. If after using the restroom the toilet paper/paper towels are down to the piece glued on to the cardboard tube and little else, then replace them - despite what you may think, they don't magically replace themselves (that would be your wife/mother doing it).



5. If you're on a diet, fine, but don't throw down a couple cookies and a piece of chocolate EVERY DAY and say how bad it is for you're diet - STOP LYING TO YOURSELF and everyone else will feel just that much more comfortable around you



6. Hey Johnny Valentine - the women in the office don't want to be touched by you - no matter if you think its casual or friendly (it's not). They'd prefer to not even be looked at by you. Just go back to your cubicle and download some more porn.



7. Nobody cares that when you first started using computers you had to use punch cards to program the computer. You may have been on the cutting edge 25 years ago, but now you can't even find the attachment that you downloaded from your email - that should tell you something ENAC 5000. It's over Johnny.



8. A screen saver is something that comes on when you haven't touched your computer for a certain number of minutes. IT IS NOT THE BACKGROUND PICTURE ON YOUR DESKTOP.



9. Just because you have a bottle of cologne doesn't mean you have to wear the entire bottle - here's a tip, take a shower instead - the ladies still won't like you, but at least they won't have to smell you.



10. There's a new computer virus created every 2.74 seconds--that's a scientific fact - just because you read about one on AOL News doesn't mean it's something to be terrified about. Clam down.



11. When it's time for lunch and everyone else has decided on a restaurant that you don't like, instead of holding everyone up and making their lunch miserable, just don't go.



12. Just because you're a vegan who only eats bean sprouts grown in the shadow of Mt. Peaceful it doesn't give you the right to complain, lecture, and make others feel guilty when they go the to Slaughtered Pig Bar-B-Que for lunch.



13. Just because someone takes a piece of candy out of the giant bowl on your desk doesn't mean you should talk to them for ten minutes.



14. Just because someone has a bowl of candy on their desk doesn't mean they want to talk to you for ten minutes.



15. When someone asks how was your weekend?, they don't really care how little sleep you got, how rough your weekend trip was, or even what that wacky dog of yours was up to, so just say nice, how was yours?



16. Stop sending all the cutesy forwarded emails - you won't go to hell if you don't forward them and nobody is going to give you a gift certificate to .



17. That bottle of hand lotion that looks like it has been in the bathroom for five years has been in the bathroom for five years. Get a tetanus shot before you use it



18. The bathroom door is not soundproof - especially the bathroom stall doors. Remember this and you may get fewer strange glances from your co-workers.



19. Unless you're a cartoon dwarf don't whistle while you work.



20. If you can't operate the fax machine, then you shouldn't ask others to prepare and send faxes for you.



21. Your odds of winning the lottery are worse than dying in a plane crash in 1846. Your odds of winning the lottery in office pool? Much better than dying in a plane crash in 1846.



22. If you're one of those its Monday, I'm super happy people, that's fine. BUT that guy with the scowl on his face is not - and don't try to cheer him up by saying some cutesy line like, ”I didn't know any mean pirates were working here this week”.



23. Here's a tip, if you get an email with the subject line: nude pictures of OR hey, what are you doing this weekend AND yes even important!--open immediately it's probably a virus, trojan horse, or one of those slippery worms. Don't open it - consider that a tip from me to you.



24. If you have some tune running through your head, keep it there - don't drum your fingers, hum, or, least of all, sing.